Love: Lost and Forever

You taught me what forever meant,
What soulmates were, what unconditional was,
You taught me to believe that I wasn't damaged,
Scarred, impure, unloveable. You loved.

You gave me so much more than you took,
I feel the weight of the imbalance.
Its hard to explain to people why I'm so lost,
They'd never understand the bond we had.

I read the teachings of Buddha, the practices of Wicca,
I see the circle, and take hope in that.
If we are soulmates and I am not done here,
I can only hope and say, neither are you.

I can't say goodbye, I see you in my dreams,
Smell you on my clothes. I refuse to wash them.
I have your pictures, the memories of you
Kicking my head off the pillow, growling at the intrusion.

I remember our walks, me talking, you walking,
I talked to you about love, life and laughter,
You saw my tears, felt my frustration, my need to be licked,
Or maybe you just liked the salty tears.

You are always around me, like a halo or a hug,
You never fail to make me smile, no matter how hard I cry,
I think of you when I eat dosas, the day you stole them off my plate,
I remember our matching sweatshirts and regret never taking a picture.

You taught me to sleep in, that walks were overrated,
To sit in a car with windows rolled down, head sticking out,
I remember to snuggle in a storm, windows shut, TV blaring,
I don't slam doors or shout at people because it upsets you.

I'm a better person Gypsy, but quite, quite lost.
I need you to show me a sign that you're around,
I want you back in your life, I'm not ready to let go.
I don't want to be on my own little one.

Be with me always. 

Nothing-ness

Shiny purple shoes glinting with sunlight,
You sit at your desk, expanse outside
Glass walls, enclosing, protecting,
You always want what you don't have.

Getting off my lazy behind and moving,
Looking around me at the noise, laughter,
The sound of typing on the keyboard,
The feel of the cool AC on my skin.

The feeling of being content is such a high,
The smile as a phone rings, as a computer dings,
Meetings, emails, sneaking biscuits at my desk,
Extended lunches, ID cards with access badges.

The highs of working, the long cab rides,
Kannada music booming in your ears,
Catching up with friends, after work drinks,
Celebrations, shopping, tattoos and rent.

Looking at a mail-van and wondering on wishes,
The only thing I can come up with is,
"Let me always be this happy and at peace"
Because I've walked a long way to get here!

Times a-changing

"In the time of ancient Gods, Warlords and Kings"
In the times of lucky necklaces and magic 8 balls
I wore some and shook the others, wishing and hoping,
Crossing fingers, and wanting to wave magic wands.

The hour glass is almost empty, my time's run up
Twenty-five years of innocence that I protected,
That I held close and refused to feel the world.
Now, I'm taken in the whirlwind that is called life.

Change, the dreaded, awful thing has occurred,
On grand scales, making me question everything I know.
I love again, when I didn't think I ever could or would,
I've let go of pain, hate and anger, and I didn't lose myself.

I no longer fear the unknown, I no longer want to know,
People mean more, mean different things, some never change.
Nothing will ever change the firsts or be as powerful as those,
But I find myself looking forward to the seconds and the thirds.

New phases in life, a new kind of independence,
Reliving the past has no more appeal, fresh starts,
Old and new loves, old and new tastes,
The comfort in the familiar and routine is slightly tainted.

The times a-changing and I'm running with it,
For once, there isn't a dam I'm trying to hold up,
There isn't a worry in the world to stop me.
I'm free falling and I can't wait to fly some more!

Poof!

You’re an apparition I can almost touch,

I see your eyes twinkling, lips smirking, nose twitching.

The feeling just rises until it fills me up, making me fly.

It’s frustrating that it’s not real, that it’s all make believe,

That when I put my hand out to feel you,

You go poof!

You’re in my head, dancing and laughing, all goofy.

You feel as real as the sun on my back,

You talk to me, telling me stories of where you are,

I try to listen, telling my self you’re not my imagination,

But when I try to talk back to you, that’s when

You go poof!

I see you around corners, in places I visit,

I’m so sure you hear the same breeze rustle the leaves.

When it rains, I think of what you would be doing,

What we would do if we were together.

But when I hold my hand out, waiting for you,

You go poof!

I can’t help but hope someday, we will be together.

Reality keeps telling me that it will never happen,

But if I don’t have hope, I have nothing left,

Nothing to hold on to, nothing to wish at 11:11.

I look at your pictures, I know you’re not around the corner.

You go poof!

Loving you, loving me

It is a strange feeling, overwhelming

Confusion, excitement, nervousness

Something new, but something familiar.

Something to have, but never hold.

Up, down, round and round,

Leaving me all wound up,

I want to let it go, run away,

Push it away, but I pull. I stay.

Happiness, intense, but fleeting.

Sadness, mild, forever there.

It's in your eyes, your quick smile

Your hunched back, your heavy steps.

The pressure of what is expected,

Of what you want, of what they want.

It leaves you breathless, gasping. Stop.

The want becomes a need. One second.

Uncertainty defines it, controls it.

Trust leaves me and comes back. Leaves again.

Can I trust Trust? Will it be there in the morning?

Will it all be over? Will I go back to feeling nothing?

Is it in my control? Do I want to go back?

Do I move forward, letting all that I've held go?

Will I have scars? Will I have the memories?

Will I have answers to all these questions?

Will I stop having questions if I'm in love?

Will it ever stop being magical? Will there be a rainbow?

If I love you, will it be forever? Promise me.

Will you give me a piece of you to carry and treasure?

Do two people become one?

Does the burden of love become lighter?

I accept the terms and conditions, I'll sign,

But.... Will you love me back?

I want.

I wanted that last bit of candy,
I wanted to climb trees and eat berries,
I wanted to play with cheetah cubs,
I wanted to run with an umbrella and fly.

As a child, I wanted simple things,
Things that were possible,
Things that were in my control.
I played with cheetahs, climbed trees and ate candy.
I even flew with a red umbrella.

As an adult, I cursed the lack of control.
I wanted Gypsy to not have cancer.
I wanted to not be ripped apart and broken,
Because all I could do was watch.
I wanted it to be me and not her.

After the worst thing that could ever happen is done,
I want the childlike things again.
I want to pass in Statistics.
I want a great job and a cool apartment.
I want to go out with friends and laugh.

I'm defined by my wants.
My wants become my gets and my haves.
They also unfortunately become my have nots.
I wonder if I can want people?
They are not objects or situations.

Right now, all I know is that, I just want.
Things, situations and yes, people.

Wish upon a shooting star, mail vans and 11:11.

Gimme permission!!!

The pressure is building,

I wiggle in my chair,

I look longingly at the door,

It’s about to burst!!!

I need to pee. Badly!

I need permission.

It rumbles and grumbles,

The noise reverberates,

I press my tummy, salivating.

I hope for it to shut up.

I’m very hungry, I need food.

I need permission.

I want some denim,

The feel of it on my skin!

I don’t want to care about wrinkles.

The feel of stiff cotton, grey and dull.

I want to be free,  not conforming.

I need permission.

How many things do I need to ask for?

Why is there SO much protocol?

Why can’t I pee when I want?

Why can’t I eat in class?

Why do I have to wear freaking formals?

I don’t want permission. 

Abhorrence

Feelings suppressed and wished away,
Air-tight boxes and dark corners,
Never seen and never to be heard.
All it took was one ugly touch.

It overflowed and consumed,
A dark wave of bitterness and dirtiness.
The shaking feeling of pure disgust
Crippling, maiming and hurting.

Tears that don't stop with the question.
Why? Why is man such an asshole?
So absolute in that adjective. Owning it.
Taking something that isn't his and never was.

Life is not some fucking game.
I have my life and you have yours.
Choice is a matter of fact, not privilege.
Why the hell do you think you can take it from me?

Curses aren't enough, violence gets me nowhere.
I will not stoop to your level. You're pathetic.
You're dirty to see, touch, smell or hear. To live.
You are vile, awful and everything wrong.

Hate is too mild a word to describe this. 

Mangosutra

This was a brand print for Slice :)

It was your smell that got me

That sweet, slightly tangy scent

It made my head sway, my lips curve

Then I saw you.

A burst of colour, you were.

Green, yellow and red, blended beautifully.

You made me reach out, fingers quivering.

Then, we touched.

Warm, smooth and sun-kissed,

You felt like perfection, welcoming.

The temptation to taste now irresistible,

Then, we kissed.

I closed my eyes, savoring you,

You’re everywhere and I’m addicted.

I slowly opened my eyes

There you were, Slice.

Patience

Waiting is hard.
That's the truth, the whole truth
And nothing but the truth.
We wait to grow that one inch,
We wait for the ice cream cart to go by.

On a hot summer's day, we wait foe ecstasy,
For that one drop of rain to fall on our skin.
We wait for lunch time when our bellies are empty
And we curse those who remind us of our stupidity.
We missed breakfast. We missed the Emperor.

When we don't want to wait,
We charge across oceans to get what we want.
We push and shove and jab at people to move up a queue.
Dastardly people stepped on my foot.
I want. I want. I want. NOW.

I waited fourteen years for a puppy.
I waited fifteen years for freedom.
I waited twenty-one years for adulthood.
I waited sixteen minutes for a table.
I don't wish to wait anymore.

Written at The Only Place, while waiting for a table, 4 years ago.

Yellow

Shiny yellow ball, with your smiley face
I throw you up into the sky,
Say hello to the birds and the butterflies,
But please warn the bees to stay away.

Run away from the little doggie,
He will only bite and slobber over you.
Hide where the kitty can't find you,
She will scratch you and grin. Cheshire.

Stay away from me when I'm stressed,
Business projects, drawing creatives.
I will destroy you, pull you apart.
Please sit on my desk and smile.

Insatiable Crushes

I think of you, sometimes.
You pop in and out, unexpected.
You're here, in between Statistics and PR.
It keeps me from screaming, sane.

It is a strange thing, these thoughts.
I want to know you.
I want to make you smile.
I want to know if you're ticklish.

Meet me one day, we'll talk, not dance.
I'll see that dimple and hear you laugh.
Lets take that magical ride.
Go down the rabbit hole, take the blue pill.

Come with me for a walk.
The grass between our toes,
Stories hanging in the air
A shared ice cream, shy looks.

Let me know you.
Fill my life with colour, paint me pictures.
Write me a song, tell me everything.
We could be something, you and I. 

Fantastical

Make it drown out

The grating voice goes.

Now, it's just a buzzing noise.

I only write.

Escape into a place

You are there. Smiling.

Your smell, your taste, your touch.

All smiling memories.

I could forget you.

Sometimes, it comes close, but no.

You're always around me, a connection.

Hold me closely.

Smile for me, laugh.

Lets hold hands, skip and sing.

Lets eat, jump, dance and run away.

Take me with you.

Sail through the skies

Fly with me, meet Peter Pan.

Lets become friends with Goldilocks.

Adventurous we are.

Lets go little friend.

You are mine and I am yours.

Lets run away from this dreary place.

Leave this idiocy behind.

Lets dance slowly.

Forever is just a moment.

Help me steal time. Minutes. Seconds.

Explore this fantasy.

Pour! Wet!

Drizzle on my face,
Drops cooling, wind soothing.
Take away the heat,
Life needs some calm.

Take me to another place,
Fly me away. Vacation.
Reality isn't what I want now,
Don't let me drift away from this.

Rain on me, wash it away.
The dust. The grime. The toil.
Monsoon, you cannot come sooner.
My new love. My new discovery!

Day

Afternoon naps and a light breeze

Sunlight on my back, warm.

Painting nails by candlelight

Stormy evenings, windy nights

Hair fluttering, goosebumps.

I sunned myself, feeling the rays

Like a blanket, keeping me warm.

I closed my eyes at the brightness,

Feeling alive, energized.

Rain poured in the evening,

Thunder cracked, lightening flashed.

The wind howled and trees fell.

I was calm in the chaos.

Friends and more

My heart pounded when I lost you

It didn’t break, it just refused to believe.

Those undending philosophical questions

Can you lose someone you love? Did I?

Did I even still love you, after everything?

A question  I pondered over for months.

Poetry, books, tv shows told me so much.

Your face still brings a smile to mine. My answer.

There is a huge difference from before though.

Your face doesn’t make me cry. It can’t anymore.

The difference is loving you and not being in love.

The difference is laughing, giggling, smiling secrets.

We’re different, you and I. We juggle and change.

You are and will always be my first love.

You will always know who I am, what I am.

We laugh, we share, we’re best friends and a little more.

You

You are a hateful thing,
Someone that can crush me,
Cripple me with loss to a point
Where I can't breathe, function, live.

You hound me with guilt, misery,
You never wipe the tears I shed,
You're a sadistic bastard.
You're the best curse I know.

Your darkness envelops me,
Suffocates me, destroys my hope.
You are so permanent, terrifying.
You're a place where there's no escape.

I've tried to fight you, beat you,
Tried to run and hide from you,
Tried to wish you away,
Every mail van, every 11:11.

Today, I know I carry you with me,
You are my parasite, eating at my emptiness.
You remind me that I'm incomplete,
You're my life-mate, you're death.

Chipaffair

The feel of the rough, thin slice.

The grease of the oil.

The rolling of the salt grains.

The smell of the fried goodness.

The crunch of the chip.

I don’t remember when we first met.

You overwhelm me every time,

Flavour sticking on my tongue,

The soft burn on my palette,

The starchy taste of potato.

Our love for each other has been epic,

You’ve been there whenever I need you,

But sometimes, when I can’t have you too.

Secrecy was never our strength,

People always know when we meet.

Crunch, munch, crunch, munch,

The sounds of our love attract others

They want to share our magic,

Some want you for themselves.

But I know you love no other like me.

Over you

I can't say when, or how

I woke up one dark night

Levitating. Magical. Sparkling.

It was over. You were gone.

You’re not in my thoughts,

It takes effort to remember.

What we had, what we were,

I don’t regret, but I do forget.

The discovery of being born again

The road map is different,

New. The feeling of smiling,

This second chance, a do-over.

Getting over you was not hard,

It was not impossible as I'd thought.

It was easy to erase that life.

I'm living again, a clean sheet.

I simply went to bed dead,

I woke up alive, lighter.

I don’t ever want to go back.

That part of me doesn’t exist now.

Happy

I smiled, my dimples deepening,

My eyes crinkled and I laughed.

Freedom is something so few experience.

I danced, I sang, I drank.

The Vengaboys are a celebration.

It took me back to the old days,

I finally see no difference.

I was happy then, I’m happy now.

It’s been so long that it feels strange,

This relief, this joy and just being content.

Waking up everyday is amazing

I have a reason to enjoy crappy days.

Coming out of this trap is fantastic

It makes me want to jump and fly,

Not that I haven’t already.

It just doesn’t seem to want to end!

I’m happy and I know it!

Crush

Instant attraction.
A look. A spark.
A smile.
A twinkle in the eye.
A sound. A voice.
A word.
A certain colour.
A smell. A flavour.
A touch.

A crush.

Human

I could start with something famous,

Something as popular, as well put as

“I wandered lonely as a cloud”

But, then, that is not my line.

I'm neither lonely, nor a cloud.

Only human.

 

Living, breathing, feeling.

The crinkles around my eyes

Betray my age, but also say

I’m a happy girl, I laugh.

There is a dimple in my cheek.

I’m only human.

 

My phone tinkles, I smile and reach.

It is the sweetest sound,

A connection that says I’m not alone,

I laugh at my disappointment,

It was only the service provider.

It too, only human.

 

This whole world is only human,

I revel in that connection.

I love my people.

Their faces, their voices,

The sound of my voice.

It’s all only human

Last Night

She slept in the circle of her love’s hands,

The nicest thing she had felt in a while.

She remembered all the other times before

And wiped the tears from her eyes.

It was just the beginning to the end of the day.

It was only a few months ago when

She could claim to be the happiest person alive.

She had everything she had ever wanted

And everything she hadn’t realized she wanted.

And with one swoop she tore her world down.

She stood as she watched her world tumble

Almost like that thing they call the domino effect.

She did her best to stop it, and glue it back

When it didn’t work, she picked up the pieces and left.

She saved some for a rainy day. They were too precious.

Last night, she slept surrounded by who she loved,

She arranged the pieces she had saved.

She cried for the broken picture they made,

She cried because she couldn’t throw it away.

She woke up in the morning to a new painful day.