Slow days

And it began with a blue screen,
Unchanging, unwavering, the circle unending.
Buttons were pressed - ctrl+alt+del.
It chose to cling to the blue,
Only forcefully, fading to black.

It was 7 minutes in darkness, waiting,
A presentation on the projector illuminating the room,
Before another person breathed the same recycled air.

It was a review, they said.
Another iteration to an already scratched out, red-riddled document.
A review where 12 others needed to give inputs.
A review that resulted in emails, opinions, meetings and more red.
A review for something that was supposed to be done yesterday.
Yesterday was Sunday. You slowly inhale the recycled air.
The white walls, somehow, seem whiter.

It was the queue. For food, for the billing, for HR and for the restroom.
It was the lack of clack of your heels as you shuffled.
You shuffled behind fascinating stories of the quality of curry leaves in Marathalli,
Behind the legendary stories of MAC or Sephora.
Behind the person who had a meeting in an hour.
You shuffled behind a rude boss, you shuffled behind a poorly paid employee,
You trailed behind the earth-shattering news of chappals for 250 rupees
You stood behind a chatty Kathy with a client.

It was a cow. Munching on cud. In the middle of the road.
It was the most important phone call for the driver to discuss the latest movie.
It was the thundering white machine.
That would be beaten by two legs moving in Nike shoes.
It would take you to see a man on a bicycle to write this.
The man in the bicycle giving you a thumbs-up as he zoomed past.
He zoomed past this thundering white machine you sit in. Mocking.

The white machine finally came to a groaning halt behind a red machine.
Drops of water dotted the windows as you settled back in your seat.
Slow days were never meant to end with fast evenings.

World Poetry Day

The blank page stares, mocking me,
Judging the technique I use to chew my pen,
As I imagine what an intellectual picture I present;
Under a tree with a book on my lap, how artistic.
Little does the curious passer-by know,
That Ogden Nash's Candy is Dandy runs through my head,
Playing incessantly on a loop making me hungry.

I wonder if someone will take a picture,
If I'll end up in some exhibition where people will wonder,
If I'd be discussed in some quaint cafe by people in scarves,
Long skirts, loose air, a bandana and sandles.
If they would wonder if I was writing an ode to nature,
Or solving the latest greatest mathematical equation.
If they would guess that I was actually pondering the colour of sugar.

As the green stain of grass seeps into my jeans,
I wonder if I should have worn harem pants instead.
Would the black nail polish qualify me as arty-farty,
Or should I have stuck with the traditional red?
As I sat there chewing on my pen, I twirled the red streak in my hari.
Maybe this would make me belong in a crowd of hipsters,
Away from the box of corporate formals and hidden tattoos.

As I sat there, staring at the blank page,
5 wondered if I would end up in an exhibition,
Where someone else sitting in a park under a tree
Would write about how the 'abnormal' is the new normal.

Circles

Walk. Follow the lights.
Blink twice. Wave goodbye.
Don't look back. March.
Leave it all. Packed.

Run. Along your road.
Breathe heavily. Move ahead.
Pause and look. Imagine.
Right foot forward. Trip.

Fall. Meet the ground.
Bleed red. Get up.
Brush it off. Smile.
Lather, rinse, repeat. Life.

Shiny, Glittering People

Happiness breezes by,
Like the wind on a hot summer's day.
Warm skin tingles as my hair flutters.
The sight of purple butterflies,
Cuddling with kittens in a rainy day.

A random thought, a memory
Is all it takes in a dreary day.
Everything brightens, sparkles,
Rainbows glow against my white desk,
Giggles are stifled and grins are controlled.

That feeling of childlike bliss,
The laughter of hopeful ecstasy.
Spiced raw mangoes and ice golas,
A sugar rush which has no intention of letting up.
The hot smell of apple and cinnamon.

The sheer excitement of jumping on a trampoline,
Long treks to watch sunsets over mountain tops,
The rush of cars honking, the chatter of people,
That feeling of home listening to the tinkle of trinkets,
That giddy, topsy-turvy, bouncy glee that is you!

Love

It once rained heavy on my heart,

A storm, drowning my sorrow,

Jolting me with lightning,

Shocking me with thunder.

You rode your horse across the field,

Searching for the one sapling that survived.

For hope to be restored, for the sun to shine.

Guided by the moon, you found me.

I was lost.

Painted gray, opaque across the sky,

You held me captive with your unforgiving stare.

I cannot ignore you for you are who I breathe

A slight sting with every breath,

Exhaling doesn’t seem like an option.

Forced, I watch you crumble,

Crushed by the giant light,

Torn by the wind.

I mourned you.

It was when you held me as I wept,

Empathizing in a feeling you could not feel.

You shook me, swayed me, but never betrayed me.

You delivered on the pain once promised,

The nails blue, you stayed true.

I loved to hate you and I hate to love you,

Wishes never made, never fulfilled.

We held hands, we made a splash

It was too good, to be untrue.

Forever is not a long time.

Our movement defined.

The Ghost Who Never Was

An ethereal glow followed where she had been,
Lighting the dark people she touched.
A residual shimmer.
She looked upon the crowd, so disconnected,
But pulled.
Walking in and out of life,
Never fully comprehending her necessity.

Reaching into the void, she lived, gathering the lost.
Translucent to those who didn’t believe.
Barely existing without the thread
Woven by those chosen few, holding her.
Living with her, feeling her, loving her.
Those lucky souls who had faith and unconditional belief.
She was their life force, their understanding of the world.
Their hearts broken, they held on to her, possessive.
Letting go would be certain death.
The end of the magic.

Orange

I sat on the ledge, legs dangling and stared.

I stared at the open canvas that was her face.

I watched her eyes glitter in the sunlight,

Rippling emotion, changing the surface.

A disturbance in the calm, yet so natural.

With a sweeping motion, it was gone.

Her eyes crinkled at the orange, signaling the end.

Clenched, they looked at nothing, felt everything.

They stayed still, held together with the bond of being human.

The reddish hues glittered on the canvas, revealing little.

I watched as she smiled and the sun finally began to set.

I watched as she saw the stars starting to sparkle, winking.

I laughed with her uncontrollably.

Bathed in orange.

Finally... For you.

I drown in your ocean,
Till I get absorbed into you,
I've run till I can no more.
I don't know what I'm chasing,
I don't know if I want to catch it.

I wonder if I'm running from you,
What would happen if you caught me?
I look at you through a kaleidoscope,
Wondering if I should give us a chance
Wondering if I'd regret it 20 years later.
Right now, everything screams not to.
But, I can't help but think of the possibility.

Should I even wonder about the future?
People tell me to live in the now, but I'm glass.
I break easily and I have too many cracks.
I'm a hunter and gatherer of happiness and light,
Little laughs and giggles in my shiny, glowing basket.

One day I'll stop. Be at peace with myself.
Comfortable in the alone-ness of it all.
Till then, I think of you, haunting me.
I hug you close, because thoughts of you
Are who I am right now, in this moment.

So conflicted, so hard to write about,
You've invaded my head and I can't get you out.
Word and keyboards won't let me escape,
I don't know if the curse will end, if I want it to.
So, I guess I’ll sit here and ask “What to do?”

To be loyal

It's hard to comprehend,
Almost difficult to understand.
This grey scale is utter rubbish.
Two colours matter. Black and white.
This or that.

Loyalty, fealty, friendship, fidelity.
Just words or do they mean something?
Levels of betrayal are levels of hurt,
The baseline the same, the blood the same.
A or B.

It's easier in grey no? Non-commital.
Excuses are readily available, believable.
Can you really convince yourself?
That's it's alright, that you can forget???
Right or wrong?

Maybe it is easier to let go.
Move on as they say, be lighter, grudgeless.
What about the scars then? Those wounds?
The ones you can't cover up, the ones that won't stop bleeding?
What then friend?

Sugar rush!

I bounce, dance and twirl,
Skip along the purple cement road,
Lost in every celestial swirl,
More of you I try to hoard.

Glinting joy, you crystalline being,
The taste of you is so sublime,
My addiction to you never leaving,
I wish that you could only be mine.

Shapes, sizes and in multi-colour,
You warp me up in heavenly bliss!
Smelling sweeter than any flower,
I'd run through fields for your sweet kiss.

My love, can you even understand
Your power, your saccharine strength?
With trembling fingers, I grasp your hand,
Fly me across this dimension's length!

Absorb me, make me one with you!
With the feel of you, I'm obsessed!
Everything I say is absolutely true,
I want you, nothing more, nothing less.

The person I used to know.

We can blame it on the distance,
We can say that we lost touch.
Life caught up with us, we're busy
Too busy to look each other up.

I wonder what you look like now,
If your voice is deeper, your smile bigger.
If you've grown taller, if you wear heels.
Do you still like the colour red?

Do you still love telling stories?
Have you painted anything new?
Do you still like Swat Kats?
Wasn't Razor your favourite?

Why don't we talk anymore?
You're my friend on Facebook,
But I haven't said anything.
Only wished you on your birthday.

Would you want to meet?
Do you know what's up with me?
Can we call ourselves friends now?
Or are you that person I used to know?

I want to find our friendship again,
See who you've become.
I wonder if you're in the same place,
If you still visit Lalbagh on weekends.

Maybe, one day I'll run into you.
We'll say hello and smile.
Will we recognise each other?
Will we wish for what was?

Love: Lost and Forever

You taught me what forever meant,
What soulmates were, what unconditional was,
You taught me to believe that I wasn't damaged,
Scarred, impure, unloveable. You loved.

You gave me so much more than you took,
I feel the weight of the imbalance.
Its hard to explain to people why I'm so lost,
They'd never understand the bond we had.

I read the teachings of Buddha, the practices of Wicca,
I see the circle, and take hope in that.
If we are soulmates and I am not done here,
I can only hope and say, neither are you.

I can't say goodbye, I see you in my dreams,
Smell you on my clothes. I refuse to wash them.
I have your pictures, the memories of you
Kicking my head off the pillow, growling at the intrusion.

I remember our walks, me talking, you walking,
I talked to you about love, life and laughter,
You saw my tears, felt my frustration, my need to be licked,
Or maybe you just liked the salty tears.

You are always around me, like a halo or a hug,
You never fail to make me smile, no matter how hard I cry,
I think of you when I eat dosas, the day you stole them off my plate,
I remember our matching sweatshirts and regret never taking a picture.

You taught me to sleep in, that walks were overrated,
To sit in a car with windows rolled down, head sticking out,
I remember to snuggle in a storm, windows shut, TV blaring,
I don't slam doors or shout at people because it upsets you.

I'm a better person Gypsy, but quite, quite lost.
I need you to show me a sign that you're around,
I want you back in your life, I'm not ready to let go.
I don't want to be on my own little one.

Be with me always. 

Nothing-ness

Shiny purple shoes glinting with sunlight,
You sit at your desk, expanse outside
Glass walls, enclosing, protecting,
You always want what you don't have.

Getting off my lazy behind and moving,
Looking around me at the noise, laughter,
The sound of typing on the keyboard,
The feel of the cool AC on my skin.

The feeling of being content is such a high,
The smile as a phone rings, as a computer dings,
Meetings, emails, sneaking biscuits at my desk,
Extended lunches, ID cards with access badges.

The highs of working, the long cab rides,
Kannada music booming in your ears,
Catching up with friends, after work drinks,
Celebrations, shopping, tattoos and rent.

Looking at a mail-van and wondering on wishes,
The only thing I can come up with is,
"Let me always be this happy and at peace"
Because I've walked a long way to get here!

Times a-changing

"In the time of ancient Gods, Warlords and Kings"
In the times of lucky necklaces and magic 8 balls
I wore some and shook the others, wishing and hoping,
Crossing fingers, and wanting to wave magic wands.

The hour glass is almost empty, my time's run up
Twenty-five years of innocence that I protected,
That I held close and refused to feel the world.
Now, I'm taken in the whirlwind that is called life.

Change, the dreaded, awful thing has occurred,
On grand scales, making me question everything I know.
I love again, when I didn't think I ever could or would,
I've let go of pain, hate and anger, and I didn't lose myself.

I no longer fear the unknown, I no longer want to know,
People mean more, mean different things, some never change.
Nothing will ever change the firsts or be as powerful as those,
But I find myself looking forward to the seconds and the thirds.

New phases in life, a new kind of independence,
Reliving the past has no more appeal, fresh starts,
Old and new loves, old and new tastes,
The comfort in the familiar and routine is slightly tainted.

The times a-changing and I'm running with it,
For once, there isn't a dam I'm trying to hold up,
There isn't a worry in the world to stop me.
I'm free falling and I can't wait to fly some more!

Poof!

You’re an apparition I can almost touch,

I see your eyes twinkling, lips smirking, nose twitching.

The feeling just rises until it fills me up, making me fly.

It’s frustrating that it’s not real, that it’s all make believe,

That when I put my hand out to feel you,

You go poof!

You’re in my head, dancing and laughing, all goofy.

You feel as real as the sun on my back,

You talk to me, telling me stories of where you are,

I try to listen, telling my self you’re not my imagination,

But when I try to talk back to you, that’s when

You go poof!

I see you around corners, in places I visit,

I’m so sure you hear the same breeze rustle the leaves.

When it rains, I think of what you would be doing,

What we would do if we were together.

But when I hold my hand out, waiting for you,

You go poof!

I can’t help but hope someday, we will be together.

Reality keeps telling me that it will never happen,

But if I don’t have hope, I have nothing left,

Nothing to hold on to, nothing to wish at 11:11.

I look at your pictures, I know you’re not around the corner.

You go poof!

Loving you, loving me

It is a strange feeling, overwhelming

Confusion, excitement, nervousness

Something new, but something familiar.

Something to have, but never hold.

Up, down, round and round,

Leaving me all wound up,

I want to let it go, run away,

Push it away, but I pull. I stay.

Happiness, intense, but fleeting.

Sadness, mild, forever there.

It's in your eyes, your quick smile

Your hunched back, your heavy steps.

The pressure of what is expected,

Of what you want, of what they want.

It leaves you breathless, gasping. Stop.

The want becomes a need. One second.

Uncertainty defines it, controls it.

Trust leaves me and comes back. Leaves again.

Can I trust Trust? Will it be there in the morning?

Will it all be over? Will I go back to feeling nothing?

Is it in my control? Do I want to go back?

Do I move forward, letting all that I've held go?

Will I have scars? Will I have the memories?

Will I have answers to all these questions?

Will I stop having questions if I'm in love?

Will it ever stop being magical? Will there be a rainbow?

If I love you, will it be forever? Promise me.

Will you give me a piece of you to carry and treasure?

Do two people become one?

Does the burden of love become lighter?

I accept the terms and conditions, I'll sign,

But.... Will you love me back?

I want.

I wanted that last bit of candy,
I wanted to climb trees and eat berries,
I wanted to play with cheetah cubs,
I wanted to run with an umbrella and fly.

As a child, I wanted simple things,
Things that were possible,
Things that were in my control.
I played with cheetahs, climbed trees and ate candy.
I even flew with a red umbrella.

As an adult, I cursed the lack of control.
I wanted Gypsy to not have cancer.
I wanted to not be ripped apart and broken,
Because all I could do was watch.
I wanted it to be me and not her.

After the worst thing that could ever happen is done,
I want the childlike things again.
I want to pass in Statistics.
I want a great job and a cool apartment.
I want to go out with friends and laugh.

I'm defined by my wants.
My wants become my gets and my haves.
They also unfortunately become my have nots.
I wonder if I can want people?
They are not objects or situations.

Right now, all I know is that, I just want.
Things, situations and yes, people.

Wish upon a shooting star, mail vans and 11:11.

Gimme permission!!!

The pressure is building,

I wiggle in my chair,

I look longingly at the door,

It’s about to burst!!!

I need to pee. Badly!

I need permission.

It rumbles and grumbles,

The noise reverberates,

I press my tummy, salivating.

I hope for it to shut up.

I’m very hungry, I need food.

I need permission.

I want some denim,

The feel of it on my skin!

I don’t want to care about wrinkles.

The feel of stiff cotton, grey and dull.

I want to be free,  not conforming.

I need permission.

How many things do I need to ask for?

Why is there SO much protocol?

Why can’t I pee when I want?

Why can’t I eat in class?

Why do I have to wear freaking formals?

I don’t want permission. 

Abhorrence

Feelings suppressed and wished away,
Air-tight boxes and dark corners,
Never seen and never to be heard.
All it took was one ugly touch.

It overflowed and consumed,
A dark wave of bitterness and dirtiness.
The shaking feeling of pure disgust
Crippling, maiming and hurting.

Tears that don't stop with the question.
Why? Why is man such an asshole?
So absolute in that adjective. Owning it.
Taking something that isn't his and never was.

Life is not some fucking game.
I have my life and you have yours.
Choice is a matter of fact, not privilege.
Why the hell do you think you can take it from me?

Curses aren't enough, violence gets me nowhere.
I will not stoop to your level. You're pathetic.
You're dirty to see, touch, smell or hear. To live.
You are vile, awful and everything wrong.

Hate is too mild a word to describe this. 

Mangosutra

This was a brand print for Slice :)

It was your smell that got me

That sweet, slightly tangy scent

It made my head sway, my lips curve

Then I saw you.

A burst of colour, you were.

Green, yellow and red, blended beautifully.

You made me reach out, fingers quivering.

Then, we touched.

Warm, smooth and sun-kissed,

You felt like perfection, welcoming.

The temptation to taste now irresistible,

Then, we kissed.

I closed my eyes, savoring you,

You’re everywhere and I’m addicted.

I slowly opened my eyes

There you were, Slice.