Finally... For you.

I drown in your ocean,
Till I get absorbed into you,
I've run till I can no more.
I don't know what I'm chasing,
I don't know if I want to catch it.

I wonder if I'm running from you,
What would happen if you caught me?
I look at you through a kaleidoscope,
Wondering if I should give us a chance
Wondering if I'd regret it 20 years later.
Right now, everything screams not to.
But, I can't help but think of the possibility.

Should I even wonder about the future?
People tell me to live in the now, but I'm glass.
I break easily and I have too many cracks.
I'm a hunter and gatherer of happiness and light,
Little laughs and giggles in my shiny, glowing basket.

One day I'll stop. Be at peace with myself.
Comfortable in the alone-ness of it all.
Till then, I think of you, haunting me.
I hug you close, because thoughts of you
Are who I am right now, in this moment.

So conflicted, so hard to write about,
You've invaded my head and I can't get you out.
Word and keyboards won't let me escape,
I don't know if the curse will end, if I want it to.
So, I guess I’ll sit here and ask “What to do?”

To be loyal

It's hard to comprehend,
Almost difficult to understand.
This grey scale is utter rubbish.
Two colours matter. Black and white.
This or that.

Loyalty, fealty, friendship, fidelity.
Just words or do they mean something?
Levels of betrayal are levels of hurt,
The baseline the same, the blood the same.
A or B.

It's easier in grey no? Non-commital.
Excuses are readily available, believable.
Can you really convince yourself?
That's it's alright, that you can forget???
Right or wrong?

Maybe it is easier to let go.
Move on as they say, be lighter, grudgeless.
What about the scars then? Those wounds?
The ones you can't cover up, the ones that won't stop bleeding?
What then friend?

Sugar rush!

I bounce, dance and twirl,
Skip along the purple cement road,
Lost in every celestial swirl,
More of you I try to hoard.

Glinting joy, you crystalline being,
The taste of you is so sublime,
My addiction to you never leaving,
I wish that you could only be mine.

Shapes, sizes and in multi-colour,
You warp me up in heavenly bliss!
Smelling sweeter than any flower,
I'd run through fields for your sweet kiss.

My love, can you even understand
Your power, your saccharine strength?
With trembling fingers, I grasp your hand,
Fly me across this dimension's length!

Absorb me, make me one with you!
With the feel of you, I'm obsessed!
Everything I say is absolutely true,
I want you, nothing more, nothing less.

The person I used to know.

We can blame it on the distance,
We can say that we lost touch.
Life caught up with us, we're busy
Too busy to look each other up.

I wonder what you look like now,
If your voice is deeper, your smile bigger.
If you've grown taller, if you wear heels.
Do you still like the colour red?

Do you still love telling stories?
Have you painted anything new?
Do you still like Swat Kats?
Wasn't Razor your favourite?

Why don't we talk anymore?
You're my friend on Facebook,
But I haven't said anything.
Only wished you on your birthday.

Would you want to meet?
Do you know what's up with me?
Can we call ourselves friends now?
Or are you that person I used to know?

I want to find our friendship again,
See who you've become.
I wonder if you're in the same place,
If you still visit Lalbagh on weekends.

Maybe, one day I'll run into you.
We'll say hello and smile.
Will we recognise each other?
Will we wish for what was?

Love: Lost and Forever

You taught me what forever meant,
What soulmates were, what unconditional was,
You taught me to believe that I wasn't damaged,
Scarred, impure, unloveable. You loved.

You gave me so much more than you took,
I feel the weight of the imbalance.
Its hard to explain to people why I'm so lost,
They'd never understand the bond we had.

I read the teachings of Buddha, the practices of Wicca,
I see the circle, and take hope in that.
If we are soulmates and I am not done here,
I can only hope and say, neither are you.

I can't say goodbye, I see you in my dreams,
Smell you on my clothes. I refuse to wash them.
I have your pictures, the memories of you
Kicking my head off the pillow, growling at the intrusion.

I remember our walks, me talking, you walking,
I talked to you about love, life and laughter,
You saw my tears, felt my frustration, my need to be licked,
Or maybe you just liked the salty tears.

You are always around me, like a halo or a hug,
You never fail to make me smile, no matter how hard I cry,
I think of you when I eat dosas, the day you stole them off my plate,
I remember our matching sweatshirts and regret never taking a picture.

You taught me to sleep in, that walks were overrated,
To sit in a car with windows rolled down, head sticking out,
I remember to snuggle in a storm, windows shut, TV blaring,
I don't slam doors or shout at people because it upsets you.

I'm a better person Gypsy, but quite, quite lost.
I need you to show me a sign that you're around,
I want you back in your life, I'm not ready to let go.
I don't want to be on my own little one.

Be with me always. 

Nothing-ness

Shiny purple shoes glinting with sunlight,
You sit at your desk, expanse outside
Glass walls, enclosing, protecting,
You always want what you don't have.

Getting off my lazy behind and moving,
Looking around me at the noise, laughter,
The sound of typing on the keyboard,
The feel of the cool AC on my skin.

The feeling of being content is such a high,
The smile as a phone rings, as a computer dings,
Meetings, emails, sneaking biscuits at my desk,
Extended lunches, ID cards with access badges.

The highs of working, the long cab rides,
Kannada music booming in your ears,
Catching up with friends, after work drinks,
Celebrations, shopping, tattoos and rent.

Looking at a mail-van and wondering on wishes,
The only thing I can come up with is,
"Let me always be this happy and at peace"
Because I've walked a long way to get here!

Times a-changing

"In the time of ancient Gods, Warlords and Kings"
In the times of lucky necklaces and magic 8 balls
I wore some and shook the others, wishing and hoping,
Crossing fingers, and wanting to wave magic wands.

The hour glass is almost empty, my time's run up
Twenty-five years of innocence that I protected,
That I held close and refused to feel the world.
Now, I'm taken in the whirlwind that is called life.

Change, the dreaded, awful thing has occurred,
On grand scales, making me question everything I know.
I love again, when I didn't think I ever could or would,
I've let go of pain, hate and anger, and I didn't lose myself.

I no longer fear the unknown, I no longer want to know,
People mean more, mean different things, some never change.
Nothing will ever change the firsts or be as powerful as those,
But I find myself looking forward to the seconds and the thirds.

New phases in life, a new kind of independence,
Reliving the past has no more appeal, fresh starts,
Old and new loves, old and new tastes,
The comfort in the familiar and routine is slightly tainted.

The times a-changing and I'm running with it,
For once, there isn't a dam I'm trying to hold up,
There isn't a worry in the world to stop me.
I'm free falling and I can't wait to fly some more!