Love: Lost and Forever

You taught me what forever meant,
What soulmates were, what unconditional was,
You taught me to believe that I wasn't damaged,
Scarred, impure, unloveable. You loved.

You gave me so much more than you took,
I feel the weight of the imbalance.
Its hard to explain to people why I'm so lost,
They'd never understand the bond we had.

I read the teachings of Buddha, the practices of Wicca,
I see the circle, and take hope in that.
If we are soulmates and I am not done here,
I can only hope and say, neither are you.

I can't say goodbye, I see you in my dreams,
Smell you on my clothes. I refuse to wash them.
I have your pictures, the memories of you
Kicking my head off the pillow, growling at the intrusion.

I remember our walks, me talking, you walking,
I talked to you about love, life and laughter,
You saw my tears, felt my frustration, my need to be licked,
Or maybe you just liked the salty tears.

You are always around me, like a halo or a hug,
You never fail to make me smile, no matter how hard I cry,
I think of you when I eat dosas, the day you stole them off my plate,
I remember our matching sweatshirts and regret never taking a picture.

You taught me to sleep in, that walks were overrated,
To sit in a car with windows rolled down, head sticking out,
I remember to snuggle in a storm, windows shut, TV blaring,
I don't slam doors or shout at people because it upsets you.

I'm a better person Gypsy, but quite, quite lost.
I need you to show me a sign that you're around,
I want you back in your life, I'm not ready to let go.
I don't want to be on my own little one.

Be with me always. 

Nothing-ness

Shiny purple shoes glinting with sunlight,
You sit at your desk, expanse outside
Glass walls, enclosing, protecting,
You always want what you don't have.

Getting off my lazy behind and moving,
Looking around me at the noise, laughter,
The sound of typing on the keyboard,
The feel of the cool AC on my skin.

The feeling of being content is such a high,
The smile as a phone rings, as a computer dings,
Meetings, emails, sneaking biscuits at my desk,
Extended lunches, ID cards with access badges.

The highs of working, the long cab rides,
Kannada music booming in your ears,
Catching up with friends, after work drinks,
Celebrations, shopping, tattoos and rent.

Looking at a mail-van and wondering on wishes,
The only thing I can come up with is,
"Let me always be this happy and at peace"
Because I've walked a long way to get here!

Times a-changing

"In the time of ancient Gods, Warlords and Kings"
In the times of lucky necklaces and magic 8 balls
I wore some and shook the others, wishing and hoping,
Crossing fingers, and wanting to wave magic wands.

The hour glass is almost empty, my time's run up
Twenty-five years of innocence that I protected,
That I held close and refused to feel the world.
Now, I'm taken in the whirlwind that is called life.

Change, the dreaded, awful thing has occurred,
On grand scales, making me question everything I know.
I love again, when I didn't think I ever could or would,
I've let go of pain, hate and anger, and I didn't lose myself.

I no longer fear the unknown, I no longer want to know,
People mean more, mean different things, some never change.
Nothing will ever change the firsts or be as powerful as those,
But I find myself looking forward to the seconds and the thirds.

New phases in life, a new kind of independence,
Reliving the past has no more appeal, fresh starts,
Old and new loves, old and new tastes,
The comfort in the familiar and routine is slightly tainted.

The times a-changing and I'm running with it,
For once, there isn't a dam I'm trying to hold up,
There isn't a worry in the world to stop me.
I'm free falling and I can't wait to fly some more!

Poof!

You’re an apparition I can almost touch,

I see your eyes twinkling, lips smirking, nose twitching.

The feeling just rises until it fills me up, making me fly.

It’s frustrating that it’s not real, that it’s all make believe,

That when I put my hand out to feel you,

You go poof!

You’re in my head, dancing and laughing, all goofy.

You feel as real as the sun on my back,

You talk to me, telling me stories of where you are,

I try to listen, telling my self you’re not my imagination,

But when I try to talk back to you, that’s when

You go poof!

I see you around corners, in places I visit,

I’m so sure you hear the same breeze rustle the leaves.

When it rains, I think of what you would be doing,

What we would do if we were together.

But when I hold my hand out, waiting for you,

You go poof!

I can’t help but hope someday, we will be together.

Reality keeps telling me that it will never happen,

But if I don’t have hope, I have nothing left,

Nothing to hold on to, nothing to wish at 11:11.

I look at your pictures, I know you’re not around the corner.

You go poof!

Loving you, loving me

It is a strange feeling, overwhelming

Confusion, excitement, nervousness

Something new, but something familiar.

Something to have, but never hold.

Up, down, round and round,

Leaving me all wound up,

I want to let it go, run away,

Push it away, but I pull. I stay.

Happiness, intense, but fleeting.

Sadness, mild, forever there.

It's in your eyes, your quick smile

Your hunched back, your heavy steps.

The pressure of what is expected,

Of what you want, of what they want.

It leaves you breathless, gasping. Stop.

The want becomes a need. One second.

Uncertainty defines it, controls it.

Trust leaves me and comes back. Leaves again.

Can I trust Trust? Will it be there in the morning?

Will it all be over? Will I go back to feeling nothing?

Is it in my control? Do I want to go back?

Do I move forward, letting all that I've held go?

Will I have scars? Will I have the memories?

Will I have answers to all these questions?

Will I stop having questions if I'm in love?

Will it ever stop being magical? Will there be a rainbow?

If I love you, will it be forever? Promise me.

Will you give me a piece of you to carry and treasure?

Do two people become one?

Does the burden of love become lighter?

I accept the terms and conditions, I'll sign,

But.... Will you love me back?

I want.

I wanted that last bit of candy,
I wanted to climb trees and eat berries,
I wanted to play with cheetah cubs,
I wanted to run with an umbrella and fly.

As a child, I wanted simple things,
Things that were possible,
Things that were in my control.
I played with cheetahs, climbed trees and ate candy.
I even flew with a red umbrella.

As an adult, I cursed the lack of control.
I wanted Gypsy to not have cancer.
I wanted to not be ripped apart and broken,
Because all I could do was watch.
I wanted it to be me and not her.

After the worst thing that could ever happen is done,
I want the childlike things again.
I want to pass in Statistics.
I want a great job and a cool apartment.
I want to go out with friends and laugh.

I'm defined by my wants.
My wants become my gets and my haves.
They also unfortunately become my have nots.
I wonder if I can want people?
They are not objects or situations.

Right now, all I know is that, I just want.
Things, situations and yes, people.

Wish upon a shooting star, mail vans and 11:11.

Gimme permission!!!

The pressure is building,

I wiggle in my chair,

I look longingly at the door,

It’s about to burst!!!

I need to pee. Badly!

I need permission.

It rumbles and grumbles,

The noise reverberates,

I press my tummy, salivating.

I hope for it to shut up.

I’m very hungry, I need food.

I need permission.

I want some denim,

The feel of it on my skin!

I don’t want to care about wrinkles.

The feel of stiff cotton, grey and dull.

I want to be free,  not conforming.

I need permission.

How many things do I need to ask for?

Why is there SO much protocol?

Why can’t I pee when I want?

Why can’t I eat in class?

Why do I have to wear freaking formals?

I don’t want permission.